In the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Professor Dumbledore begins the start of term feast with his usual allocution, providing students with various words of advice and caution. In what I think is one of Dumbledore’s more brilliant sayings, he tells the students that ‘Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light.’ In many ways, I know I need to do a better job of keeping this tidbit of knowledge in my consciousness.

The idea that I could thrive and experience joy always seemed to elude me. As I embarked on my undergraduate studies, I began to seek counseling to work through symptoms of anxiety and depression. I began to attend counseling on an uncertain basis, choosing to skip sessions for one reason or another. If there’s one thing that I was good at, it would be coming up with a myriad of seemingly rationale reasons as to why I would miss a counseling session. I justified my missed sessions by pointing to how bad the weather was and I didn’t want to walk across campus or by telling myself that I was fine. Frankly, I didn’t know what fine was. Some days I still don’t.

It wasn’t until this past academic year, my first year as a graduate student at Indiana University, that I firmly committed to my mental and emotional health. I resumed therapy with a fantastic clinician in the counseling center. On March 14th, 2018 my life changed for the better. After several counseling sessions, my counselor referred me to psychiatric services to be evaluated for any underlying conditions that could be exacerbating my mental health. After a few psych sessions, I was prescribed antidepressants to help with depression, anxiety, and the acute insomnia that I developed during my first year in graduate school. Out of the spectrum of experiences and feelings that I processed with my counselor, we pinpointed the most severe of my symptoms as stemming from various triggers in my graduate assistantship.

I know it must seem strange to read this piece about choosing joy after I just finished laying out the summary version of my mental health journey, but I ask you to bear with me for just a few more minutes. I promise that things will come together.

As I think of where I go from here, I’m particularly appreciative for the insight offered by the late Dr. Randy Pausch, former professor of computer science at Carnegie Mellon University. After Dr. Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he delivered his last lecture. During the lecture, he shared a very profound bit of wisdom that I will always remember: “It’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand.”

On the threshold between my first and second years of my grad program, I find myself with a  hand of cards that I’m not fond of — some changes to my assistantship that are the result of misunderstandings and confusion; situations and conversations that have played out in such a way that I genuinely believe to be unfair at best.

It is here that I return to joy. This once abstract phenomenon turned tangible and accessible to me. As I’ve hinted at here and in my first blog post, my first year of graduate school did not go or end like I thought it would. As I ponder this threshold of my academic career, the hand of cards that I’ve been dealt, I’ve committed myself to focusing on how I will play this hand. I focus on how I will continue to thrive in my work as an emerging student affairs educator. I’m particularly indebted to a fantastic internship supervisor here at FSU and an amazing new best friend that I’ve found here in Tallahassee for always being there to support me and to serve as a sounding board for whatever might be preoccupying my mind.

My plan is very simple — I’m going to do the best possible job I can in my assistantship in the upcoming year. I will continue to take a scholarly approach to my practice as a student affairs educator. I will meet or exceed all expectations that are set of me. My internship at Florida State University has been nothing short of an amazing experience thus far and truly transformative in helping me grow and develop to meet the challenges that year two in my graduate program will bring.

Dumbledore reminds us: “Happiness can always be found when one remembers to turn on the light.” Today and every day, I commit myself to turning on that light — to thrive and to be my authentic self. The road may have been rocky so far, but I’m just  getting started. I hope that you’ll stick around for the ride.

Thanks for reading,

-Joe